I am writing this blog post from the UK where I have been spending the last week working with new leaders in the BA Mixed Fleet project. For colleagues and alumni of the LDI, many, if not most of you would have come across Three Worlds:
Your World <->THE World <->My World
John’s Diane story is a graphic ilustration of the power of Three Worlds.
Last week, at the opening of the leadership programme, Brian Marsden, my co-facilitator, shared his version of the Three Worlds which I found equally useful:
E+R = O
Event + My Reaction = Outcome
What happens in THE world is just stuff that happens- he did this, she did that, this happened, that happened etc…but we lay on the event, our assumptions, reactions, judgements, interpretations and inferences which give us an ‘outcome’ or our ‘take’ on the event. It is often very hard for us to catch ourselves in the moment but when we do, we have a choice as to what we do with our reaction. To share a personal example, I was talking to John on the phone yesterday—we were having a heated and very dynamic ‘conversation’ about a large project and all it’s interdependent dates, decisions, people etc. The ‘discussion’ became louder, more heated, more frustrating…I was working off my assumption that John was working in an unstructured/ haphazard way and lacked the discipline and prioritising I felt we needed to get through all the tasks before the weekend….Instead of sharing this with him, I was expressing my frustration at his ‘randomness’- I also used the content of what we were saying as a way of proving to me and him, that he was random—I was asking him a lot of ‘why’ questions….when SUDDENDLY- I realised what I was doing! In that moment, I decided to do something different- I decided to share my assumptions with him. This was what happened:
A: Ok…there is an assumption I have about you- (pause, heart pounding…)-
A: My assumption is—-that you wake up in the morning andjustdowhateveryoufeellikedoing (I blurted)–
A: ——-rather than what needs to be done—you pick and choose what you want to do—
Then it dawned on me that there was something I needed from him…
A: actually, with so much going on, I really want us to make a list and to work off that list until everything is done…this way-
J: Well actually- the truth is- I have just finished breakfast and I am not yet in the office….so I am sort of—well, I am not in work-mode..you are right..and actually, I would LOVE to have a list–
J: In fact, it would be helpful in the future, given all these projects- if we could make a point of starting the day by looking at what needs to be done and make a list for the day—
J: In fact, it would have been helpful if you started the conversation by asking me if I had a list and go on to suggest that we made one!
Fair point.
This morning, as I reflected on the whole incident, I was really pleased that I was able to make a breakthrough in my own patterns yesterday. We certainly a different Outcome because I changed my Reaction. I began to wonder how many people also ‘suffer’ from a similar thing- that what we share is not the assumptions we hold about the ‘other’…instead, what we do is to act based on our assumptions- in my case yesterday, asking John questions to confirm my assumptions about him.
Thanks you. Brian’s words are helpful. The following explains where they took me. I changed my reaction by altering process.
THEN: Having been branded as a “no list” person for most of my adult life, I recall a hot tub discussion with Dr. Scherer. Non linear thinking had been a compulsion beyond my capacity to control. John honored my randomness but did so within a “higher ordered” structure that magically accommodated both me and the rest of the world that at the time appeared to me as debilitatingly anal.
The hot tub gestault had a profound effect on my work. Up to that point, proverbs 29:18 had provided me with a “get out of jail free” pass to work outside of the box. Proverbs, sometimes called The book of wisdom (much of which came from the ancient Egyptians) says, “Where there is no vision the people perish”. I wielded the power of that biblical endorsement like a club…making it the essence of my graduate thesis and a book that went on to become a best seller.
NOW: Before becoming a naturalized citizen in 2011, I studied the founding fathers. In my opinion, the US constitution and its amendments contain inspired thought that draws on the writings of Cicero, plus Hebrew and British tradition. Every American knows the amendment, “the right to free speech” but most are unaware of its lead, “Congress shall not enact legislation that inhibits…the right to free speech etc. The founders created a higher order box to contain randomness. Shaken, I went back to my source and upon closer inspection discovered that there was more to proverbs 29:18. I was not alone, I’ve discovered that most members of the clergy are unaware of, or leave out the conclusion…”and happy is he that obeys the law”—there’s that damn containment box again.
Dr. John probably does not consider himself a founding father but that day in the hot tub he helped chart a new course for my career. I have since rewritten my book, The “I” of the Hurricane: How to generate and focus corporate energy. I’ve added discipline to the inspiration of Vision by including an ethics platform (a box to preserve linear thought). For example my company’s cultural-value of Integrity now has an ethics plank ( behavioral line in the sand) that says “we never fail to tell the truth or keep a commitment”. A new online support offering called the Baton Management System coaches the CEOs of small to midsize business to balance the application of Inspiration (VISION) and discipline (Process management).